THE KITCHEN TABLE | FICTIONAL HUMOR. No actual reader sent this letter.
Dear Kitchen Table,
Every fall my neighbor borrows my snow shovel “just in case.” Last October, he borrowed it before the snow even arrived. In November he said he was keeping it warm. By December, my shovel had apparently moved out permanently.
I’ve considered sending it a Christmas card, but I’m worried the shovel will respond before my neighbor does. How do I ask for it back without starting the Great Ashland Shovel Feud?
Signed, Shovel-less in October
Dear Shovel-less,
First, congratulations. Your shovel has achieved what many of us only dream of: a free winter vacation at somebody else’s house.
Try this friendly approach: “Hey, I need to bring my shovel home before the snow gets ideas. Can I pick it up this afternoon?” Most people understand a direct, polite request better than a three-part investigation, a Facebook referendum, or a search warrant written on the back of a grocery receipt.
If your neighbor needs a shovel, he might consider buying one. If he insists yours is now part of his family, you may reasonably request visitation rights — preferably with full custody restored before the first real snowfall.
The Kitchen Table says: A good neighbor can borrow a shovel. A great neighbor returns it before you have to ask twice.
This letter and response were written as a fictional demonstration of the column’s proposed style.